A professor was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”
She replied, “He’s probably down at the bar with his friends”
Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing
everything!
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies Paul,
“You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out,
but I got an erection every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.
“Well,” says Paul, straightening up,
“I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That’s great!” says Jeff,
“When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul,
“but I was worried I’d get an erection again.
So I got some duct tape and taped “it” to my leg, so if I did, it
wouldn’t show”.
“Sensible” says Jeff.
“So I get to her door,” says Paul,
“and I rang her doorbell.
She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw.”
“And what happened then?”
“I kicked her in the face.”
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the
last three weekends.”
Father Donavon asks: “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”
“Yes, Father, ’tis I.”
“And who was the woman you were with?”
“Sure and I can’t be tellin’ you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her
reputation.”
Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
me now.
Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“I cannot say Father, please.”
“Was it Patricia Kelly?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Brydie Shannon?”
“I’m sorry, but I will not! name her.”
“Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?”
“My lips are sealed, Father.”
“Was it Fiona McDonald then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration.
“You’re a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you’ve
sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be
off with you now.”
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Three month’s vacation and five good leads.”
A young guy from Saskatchewan moves to Toronto and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Saskatchewan.”
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
(more…)
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
(more…)